Pipe Down! Chatter in Theatres Contributes to Global Warming

This article was originally planned to be a review of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part I, but I made a big mistake and saw it in a theatre here in Germany. It has nothing to do with the facility – the cinema I was at is top-notch, rather the moviegoing culture, specifically the high tolerance of chatter. Granted, regardless of what country you’re in you’re liable to get a few jackasses who think they’re enriching the viewing experience what with their hilarious comments and fake laughter – I don’t even consider myself that sensitive, but the blokes beside my girlfriend and I, five teenagers with little to no interest in the film, rotated between scathing commentary and showing eachother text messages. They were just being assholes, treating the movie like a football game and the theatre like their living room. Not five minutes in a fellow patron asked if they’d could be a little quieter, five minutes later I asked them to stop talking altogether, less politely. But, it wasn’t long before they started up again and like trying to fall asleep while ignoring a person who is snoring, it doesn’t work. So for almost the entire two and a half hours I was distracted by theses Chatty Cathys, what with their knee-slapping jokes and put on laughter, and even the odd spoiler or two. I might have asked again, but that would have just made me more upset once they went on talking – besides, they weren’t the only loudmouths, in other rows people were talking and with this general acceptance it’s hard to impress upon people the fact that they’re being extremely rude and inconsiderate.

I think what really got my blood boiling was their whole attitude, a row of pubescent clones with poser haircuts and skin-tight jeans. It was Saturday night, haven’t you got something better to do than to pay the premium rate for a film you just want to carve up. Get a life. If you do this you’re not funny, no one is impressed – you’re a loser. The kicker is we were initially supposed to sit somewhere else. The theatre has reserved seating and for those willing to hit redial thirty or fourty times, well they get prime seats. We went straight to the theatre a few hours early and got tickets for the fourth row, all the way to the side. Of course, the people who reserved have the best seats but don’t show, or show up to late, and I went back shortly before showtime and switched. I would much rather have had a stiff neck than shortened nerves, but c’est la vie. It’s a troubling trend in society that jokers, ruffians and the like are driving people out of public places – like the subway and theatres – and into the comfort and safety of their own spaces. Which is a shame, it’s not only wasteful, what with an SUV for each family unit, but in the case of films, a less enjoyable experience. Most of us don’t go to the theatre just for the big screen and big sound, but for the atmosphere – a roaring comedy or a tense thriller, where you can feel the electricity in the air and share the experience.

Now, were this a film review I might have told you that there is almost too much talent in the supporting cast, and as a result there are a ton of actors who I would like to have seen more of. I might have mentioned the dizzying, Greengrass-esque pursuit through the woods, but all I remember is a bunch of metrosexual twits and their cell phones who are contributing to the increasing individualization of society, and global warming as a result. Not to mention child labour, stringing together their nuthugger jeans for pennies an hour. So do us a favour, grow up – and please put a sock in it, pipe down and shut your goddamn mouth.

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  1. a theater near me allows you to text about troublemakers and an usher will come in and remove them. it’s a start, although I believe they should keep ushers in the theaters for all viewings – it will keep the a-holes quiet and put a squash on a big portion of the pirated movie industry.

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